September 18, 2016
I made the choice to give myself a day of rest yesterday. I didn't write. I didn't take pictures. Instead, I took three naps, got pictures developed, cleaned my room, hung up afore mentioned pictures and spent the evening in the company of terrific friends.
When I laid my head down to go to sleep last night I was frustrated. I was restless. I know that my day of rest was necessary, but it wasn't fulfilling and my creativity was screaming at me. I tossed and turned for some moments before finally spinning one of my favorite albums, Bright Eyes: I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning, and drifted off to sleep...which really turned into a dream wonderland.
I don't feel like I slept at all last night. I entered vivid dreams filled with color and inspiration...
Familiar places with familiar faces...I was surrounded by places and people I have photographed. I knew them, but spoke to them as if they were my creativity. I was asking what they could do for me. "Why aren't you around more? Why aren't you in my face like you used to be?" They were ideas-MY ideas-places I had picked and people I chose to capture. They all gave the same response, "What are you going to do for us?"
I transitioned to one of my favorite places-a field full of sunflowers, but there was an unfamiliar road running through the center of it. There was a waiting feeling within me, but my camera was in my hand, so I captured nature's beauty while I waited blindly. I heard a car and as I looked down the deserted road I saw a white Escalade coming towards me. It stopped right where I stood and the door opened. I had no fear entering it because I instinctively knew it was what I had been waiting for.
I couldn't see the driver, but the space felt safe and I recognized the familiar voice that said, "are you ready?" I began asking repetitively, "where are we going? where does this road go?" My frustration kept building and I began saying, "I don't know what I'm doing." The voice calmly said, "you know where we're going. You know what you're doing. Trust and relax."
As we drove we made stops at all of the landscapes I've photographed and at each stop the voice told me to get out alone. I got out and embraced the views and captured them with my camera all over again. I stayed at Canon Beach, Oregon the longest and asked the voice longingly if it was coming with me. "You did this alone, you must go along one last time."
Every time I would get back into the Escalade I would ask the same questions, "where are we going? Where does this road go?" Always transitioning to the statement, "I don't know what I'm doing." Each and every time the voice reassured, "you know where we're going. You know what you're doing. Trust and relax."
The landscapes disappeared and we drove into white nothingness. It looked like a blank canvas. I said, "this is it. This is where we were going." The voice said, "You already knew, I told you this. You must trust." I had to tell myself to breath deeply before telling the voice that I was ready to exit again. I felt the faceless figure moving towards the other door. I quickly asked, "you're coming this time?" Without an answer we both exited into the blankness.
I walked around in circles, "what do I do with this? There's nothing here." The voice now had a face and he grabbed me by the shoulders saying, "we make it, create it, it can be anything you want." My frustrated feelings were lingering as I said, "I can't photograph this. There's nothing here." He turned me to look at more blank space while saying, "listen to your ideas, let your creativity speak. Open your mind to the new opportunities in front of you. It's time for you to make it all happen."
I walked in more circles and yelled, "I don't know what it looks like! I don't know what this means!" In almost a whisper he said, "you do, it can be anything you want. You have the vision, put the fear aside, and bring it all to life." Color began to appear in blurry fashion.
I woke up with tears in my eyes. I grabbed my phone to quickly type down everything before I forgot it. I had a message from a friend with this video attached:
A Brand New Ending
I have been fearfully walking along side my passion when I should be grabbing it by the hand and running. Now, I am not saying I'm going to quit my job, but I cannot keep ignoring this calling within me. I have to take action and I have to trust in the gifts, people and places that are placed before me in order to get there. It is no coincidence that the song I heard before I fell asleep last night was Bright Eyes: First Day of My Life. The time is now. My dreams are my responsibility if I let them die, I let myself die. I deserve to be invested in, so why wait? Today is another blessed day.
Indiana native with a PNW heart filled with a love for photography, travel, coffee, wine, writing and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.