I haven't been writing recently, and it feels like I've been in a love affair with my words. I keep trying to get to them and get pulled in another directions. I put my words on pause, but my mind keeps running. I've been adding to the notes on my iphone when I can and throwing the thoughts to my computer when there's time.
Am I even breathing? Obviously I am because I am still able to be a contributing member in the world. Of course there is literally breath in my lungs, but writing is part of who I am. Writing is a way of breathing for me, so no...I haven't been breathing. I have been holding my breath and pushing through all of the changes and emotions that are thrown my way. I have been saying "yes" too many times to too many people. Why am I reverting back to old ways? Why am I moving a million miles an hour?
I was reminded by someone growing close to my heart that I need to slow down. That I am deserving of a slow down. It has been written before that I don't have a yellow light. I am so bad at yellow. I am so bad at slow. I am so so good at stop and go. I tried to be intentional about slowing down and look where I am? Frustrated....breathless....exhausted....anxious.
I haven't been able to truly feel at home since I made my move back to Indiana. I moved in with my best friend and moving out hurt straight to the heart. I am so thankful for the memories made on Lucky Dan Drive. Someone was always around and laughter could always be heard. Memories of late night snacking, kitchen counter hangs, cry sessions, binge watching One Tree Hill and Grey's Anatomy, petty arguments, fitness talks, life advice...everything happened within those walls. We all learned from one another, we all grew in different ways and, long story short, it was time for new adventures to begin.
It is no secret that I have nomadic tendencies, so I feel like the people I love were nervous when I announced that I would be moving...but I didn't know where. I had a struggle because I felt that it was time for me to live alone, but that is not something that I really wanted to do. I felt a lot of fear and anxiety about living alone. The Queendom was a God send. I lived there alone for a few weeks and now my, for all intensive purposes, cousin has moved in to share this beautiful space. Essentially, it was a compromise for myself.
The Queendom is already one of my favorite places to be. I have been sleeping more, which, if you know me, is a huge accomplishment. I have slowly began making my space my own, but the feeling of home has been haunting me. Home is not within walls, home is the space that I create for myself wherever I am. I have been missing this home feeling because I have been missing my God. I used to be a very prayerful person, and I strayed from that for quite some time. I know that there is something much larger than me in this universe. I know that I have purpose or I wouldn't be here. I know that as I begin to spend time in prayer; my days go smoother, my heart hurts less and my anxiety lessens.
I have been thinking a lot about Ruth. A "Ruth" is a woman who has experienced great loss and pain, yet has remained loyal and faithful no matter what. She has found her strength in God. I consider myself to be a Ruth, but I have not been finding my strength in God. I have been finding my strength within myself and it is causing me to feel weak and breathless. I have been making a conscious effort to be a more prayerful person. I am trusting in a plan much greater than my own, and blessings are, in deed, falling in my lap. Amongst these blessings are challenges. The latest challenge is learning how to open up again to the idea of a relationship.
When you've been scarred you often remember best what facilitated in creating those scars. What if you allowed yourself to just let it all go? What if you allowed yourself to be free from those fears? What if you just allowed yourself to rest in the incredible blessings falling all around you? What if you finally allowed yourself to feel happiness without questioning the feeling? I have felt that I am a crossroads for some time now and I have just been pacing back and forth unable to choose which direction to go. I have built a pretty unbreakable fortress around myself and at times it blocks people out, but I am thankful for patience and someone willing to tear this fortress down brick by brick. There is a long way to go, but here's to new adventures, allowing myself to embrace true joy, refocusing, and opening up my private party to other souls deserving of the love I have to pour out.
stay grateful and always wear your crown,
Indiana native with a PNW heart filled with a love for photography, travel, coffee, wine, writing and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.